As I look back on my
life’s tapestry, I notice that the threads of depression are woven into the
picture even before our eighth baby was born.
After the seventh baby, they are so tightly intertwined with anxiety
that they are hardly recognizable.
We had been blessed with two girls and then
four boys. I was convinced I was having
another boy so when the doctor said, “It’s a girl.” I replied, “No, it’s not.” “Look for yourself.” said the doctor as she
held my new baby up for me to see. I was
delighted. My husband called home to
talk to the older children. From across
the room I could hear the girls screaming with joy. They
were thrilled to have a baby sister. Our
new baby was healthy and the delivery had been relatively easy. All seemed well until about two weeks
postpartum when my thoughts became frightening.
I would lay awake
at night watching my baby breathe certain that she was going to die in her
sleep. I refused to bathe her because I
just knew she was going to drown. I
worried that it might happen accidentally, but worse yet I worried that I might
drown her. I dreaded driving with the
baby or any of my children in the car because I envisioned myself driving into
oncoming traffic or over freeway bridges. I felt so blest to have been given this little
girl but I was convinced that God was going to take her away from me. What I was being punished for I did not know.
I believed I was unworthy of such a precious gift. I was sleep deprived, paranoid and
anxious. I felt guilty for not taking
better care of my newborn and for my disturbing thoughts.
The only time I spoke of my distorted thinking
was in my journal. I was afraid that if
I told anyone what was going on in my mind they would think I was crazy and
take my children from me. Secretly, I
believed I was crazy. Living in continual fear and feeling that I
had lost my mind made the picture on my tapestry hard to discern.
I did not realize
it at the time but I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. I had always believed that if you were
depressed you cried all the time and felt sad.
I did not know that anxiety and guilt were also symptoms of postpartum
depression. The website www.postpartumprogress.com gives
excellent lists of the symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety. I wish I had seen such lists during those
weeks and months after my seventh baby was born. I may have been better able to weave a clear
picture if I had known my distorted thinking had a name. Most importantly, I could have reached out
for help and received treatment for my illness. I urge any woman
suffering from similar symptoms to seek help and to know that you are not going
crazy. You have a terrible, but treatable disease. Don't let anxiety and
depression color your tapestry; instead weave with the threads of peace and
joy.
